How to Change The Narrative When Feeling Stuck
It probably comes as no surprise that most people come to therapy to work on their relationships. The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives, after all.
Traumatic events are typically exacerbated if there is unresolved trauma in a person’s history. My first client at my first job out of social work school was Lou, a 60-something bus driver who had been attacked by a passenger while on the job and had come to recover from the emotional trauma of the assault.
Lou’s history was littered with trauma. By 10 years old, she’d been sexually abused by an older neighbor, had lost both parents, one to addiction and one to suicide, and was bounced around between relatives who regularly told her she was a burden.
Lou had also had opportunities–an academic scholarship to a prestigious high school, several teachers who saw her potential and tried to mentor her, and meaningful friendships that she turned her back on. She fixated on how much better her life would have been if only she hadn’t “screwed it up.” Lou’s narrative was that she was broken, congenitally incapable of having a nice life. She had lots of evidence to prove it–a history of abusive relationships, lost jobs, two bankruptcies, and too many volatile encounters to count.
But she also knew she was smart and curious. She knew she had a big heart, especially for animals. And she knew she was a hard worker, “I have worked, sometimes three or four jobs, since I was 13 years old. I am a worker.”
Once Lou had worked through most of the trauma she’d experienced, and her PTSD symptoms had mostly subsided, we began to look at other areas of her life she wanted to improve. Initially, Lou was reluctant to pick anything to try because she didn’t want to be disappointed. I told her, “You can change anything right up to the moment you drop dead. Let’s pick something small and start there.”
First, she wanted to clean up her finances. She bought a book on how to improve her credit score and began to go through the steps methodically. Lo and behold, her credit score went up.
Next, she decided she could buy a house. The day she signed the paperwork, she showed up at my office in tears, “I never thought I’d have a true home, all mine, and no one can tell me to leave.”
Once she was in the house, she bought a dog–another lifelong dream. She always had cats but worried she wouldn’t be able to care for a dog. Soon she had two small dogs living in relative harmony with her two cats.
Lou’s life is far from perfect. She still struggles with physical and emotional pain, has very few close relationships, and is skittish about interacting with new people. But she enjoys her security and her solitude. “As long as I have my house and my animals, I’m good.”
A chief part of Lou’s success has been identifying what actually makes her happy and ignoring what others might want for her instead. For example, Lou’s sister insists she can’t really be happy living alone, “What you need is a husband!” (Lou says, “I need a husband like I need a hole in the head.”)
She could also let go of an old dream that no longer served her, getting a college degree. She realized she didn’t want to go into debt again, and she was ready to retire. She decided to scratch the learning itch by taking one-off adult learning classes instead.
Lou’s narrative changed from “I mess everything up” to “I can make the changes I want in my life.” Once she was able to address her thinking, she made small steps in the direction of her goals, which created a positive feedback loop. With every step, the thought, “I can make changes,” was reinforced.
Try this cognitive-behavioral exercise to see how this might work in your own life:
Identify a situation where you feel unhappy or stuck.
Write down every thought that comes to mind when you think of this situation.
Circle the thought that seems to get to the heart of your stuckness.
Come up with an alternative thought out that still feels true to you.
Right down three small actions, you could take to improve your situation if you really believed this new thought.
Pick one of these actions and take it immediately.