5 Signs of Giving Up Too Much to Keep Everyone Happy
It probably comes as no surprise that most people come to therapy to work on their relationships. Family issues are often related to struggles setting boundaries. The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives, after all.
Marriage problems usually involve unmet expectations. Work problems can typically be traced to challenging interactions with colleagues. Those who are single often reveal a history of disappointing relationships due to an inability to set boundaries and communicate their needs.
Whatever the issue, one of the common themes that emerge is that throughout these relationships, someone is suppressing their needs and not communicating clearly. That person is, more often than not, what I like to call the "shock absorber."
In a vehicle, the shock absorbers decrease jolts and vibrations to make the ride smoother for everyone in the car. Without the shock absorbers, the ride is bumpy and uncomfortable, the brakes don't work as well as they should, and the tires wear out quickly.
In relationships, the shock absorber accepts, ignores, or minimizes others' thoughtless or unkind behavior to lessen the impact and avoid conflict. They want to speak up, protest, or defend themselves, but they fear doing so will only make things worse. Over time, not speaking up becomes the default mode of communication.
The shock absorber often becomes so adept at managing everyone around them, anticipating and defusing problems, that they are barely aware they are doing this. The shock absorber doesn’t realize, at least at first, that this strategy for keeping the peace comes at a huge cost—their own needs are continually subordinated to the needs of those around them.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE A SHOCK ABSORBER?
You feel responsible for keeping harmony not only in your own relationships but also between those around you.
You find yourself re-explaining or justifying other's behavior to blunt the impact of what has actually happened.
You take on more and more responsibility because of others' stress levels or incompetence.
You often feel resentful, over-burdened, or anxious in your relationships, especially with those you’re closest to.
You'd be embarrassed if a friend knew the whole truth about how much responsibility you take on, how poorly you're treated, or how much bad behavior you put up with in order to avoid conflict.
Operating as the shock absorber is often highly effective in the short term. When your adult children aren't speaking to each other, you broker peace. When your boss takes credit for your idea in a meeting, you grit your teeth and smile. When your partner stops speaking to you for days, you wait it out and then pretend nothing's happened.
You might silently ruminate, seethe, or complain to a friend. But you don't risk confrontation by confronting the situation directly. You may ask yourself, "Why make things worse?"
The bedrock of healthy relationships, all relationships, is clear communication. Without transparent communication, relationships cannot, and should not, survive. Unfortunately, clear communication can feel challenging and complicated. Many people loathe confrontation and would rather tolerate disharmony rather than risk conflict.
The thing is, conflict is good. Not scorched earth, violent conflict—which is obviously detrimental and unproductive. But healthy, thoughtful conflict is the most direct route to growth. Perfect harmony, which requires a high level of avoidance, stunts us and the people around us.
Certainly, in every relationship, there are times when it's best just to let something go. Healthy conflict isn't about being a stickler about every word and action of those around you. And it's not about demanding others become the shock absorber for you. Healthy conflict is about allowing everyone to take full responsibility for their words and actions.
It's impossible to be both the shock absorber and to effect positive change. As the old protest slogan says, "Silence = Death." Only here we're talking about the death of self-esteem, the death of dreams, and the death of individual and collective growth. Nothing changes without putting pressure on the system by speaking up, setting boundaries, and allowing others to reap the consequences of their own behavior.